Posts Tagged ‘Shari Thomas’

Mistake #6: Not Understanding the Priority of People Over Programs

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” 2 Corinthians 11:30 (ESV)

This is the sixth in a series of blog posts called, “My Top Ten Mistakes in Ministry (That I Can Share Publicly.)” After many years of ministry experience as a church planter, pastor and seminary professor, I think I’ve finally learned that one of the best kept secrets to surviving well in the ministry is to stop making the same old mistakes that others (like me) have been making for decades. Instead, let’s all start making some brand new, bold, innovative and creative mistakes!

We began this series with an introduction called, “Ladies First” in which veteran church planter wife, Shari Thomas, addressed the tough topic, What I Wish I Had Known About Church Planting from the perspective of the church planter’s/pastor’s spouse. We then took a look at:

Mistake #6: Not Understanding the Priority of People Over Programs

It’s been thought by all of us in Christian ministry (both clergy and laity) at one time or another: “I love God, and I love the ministry, but it’s just people that I really don’t like!” In his best-selling book, The Master Plan of Evangelism, Robert Coleman writes, “When Jesus’ plan is reflected upon, the basic philosophy is so different from that of the modern church that its implications are nothing less than revolutionary….His concern was not with programs to reach the multitudes but with people whom the multitudes would follow….People were to be His method of winning the world to God. The initial objective of Jesus’ plan was to enlist men who could bear witness to His life and carry on His work after He returned to the Father.”

I had the privilege of having Dr. Coleman as one of my professors when I was in seminary in Chicago (Trinity). I’ll always remember his incessant repetition of this same basic concept over and over again: while in the ministry if we don’t actively, constantly fight against it, we will inevitably become nothing more than mere “ministry program administrators—thereby failing to be like Jesus who always made people (not programs) his highest priority.

In Jesus’ words to Peter, after the resurrection, we learn again that one of the greatest ways we can show our love to Christ is not merely by doing great ministry exploits for him, but by showing sacrificial love to his sheep–to love deeply and well those He loves and those for whom he laid down His life. With these lenses on, take a new look now at these ancient words of the resurrected Christ to Peter:

“So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Tend My lambs.” He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me?” He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.” He said to him, “Shepherd My sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?” And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.” Jesus said to him, “Tend My sheep.

Here we are meant to learn a valuable lesson about life and ministry that is very easily missed if we’re not very careful. The lesson? One of the greatest ways to show our love to Jesus is by showing our love to His sheep—especially when they don’t love us well. It’s relatively easy learning to lead well. But it’s really hard learning to love well.

Hear his voice today asking “Do you love me?” Then hear his answer, “Tend my sheep.” In other words, love those whom He loves–lay down your life to shepherd well especially those sheep who are back-biting, betraying, whining, unappreciative and arrogant. Where in the world can you find the power to do that? It begins by realizing how deeply the Good Shepherd keeps loving you in the face of all your back-biting, betraying, whining, lack of appreciation and arrogance.

Oh, and by the way, since we haven’t addressed it since the introductory message in this series by Shari Thomas, I thought it might be good for all of us to be reminded that one of those people in your church in need of your very special love—is your spouse. I wish someone had told me what it means to understand and love my wife well—especially during our early church planting years.

If you haven’t read Shari Thomas blog entry that  addressed the tough topic, What I Wish I Had Known About Church Planting from the perspective of the church planter’s/pastor’s spouse then please do. If you have, then please read it again.

Again, I long for you not to make the same mistakes so many of us have made in the past three decades of ministry. Instead, as Bob Logan says, “Go make new, creative, innovative mistakes!” As our beloved Steve Brown would say, “You think about that.”

Steve Childers is the President & CEO of Global Church Advancement, an inter-denominational ministry that provides church planting training, consultations, and resources for church planters, pastors and missionaries throughout the world. Steve has trained Christian leaders from more than 50 countries (curriculum in five major global languages), representing over 200 denominations and mission agencies in 5 continents (& 5 languages). Steve is also an author, Professor of Practical Theology (since 1995) and the Director of the Doctoral program at Reformed Theological Seminary, in Orlando, Florida, where he teaches church planting, missions, evangelism and spiritual formation. To learn more about GCA:

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My Top Ten Mistakes In Ministry–That I Can Share Publicly: Mistake # 2

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” 2 Corinthians 11:30 (ESV)

Man Sorry for MistakesThis is the third in a series of blog posts called, “My Top Ten Mistakes in Ministry (That I Can Share Publicly)” After many years of ministry experience as a church planter, pastor and seminary professor I think I’ve finally learned that one of the best kept secrets to surviving well in the ministry is to stop making the same old mistakes that others (like me) have been making for decades. Instead, let’s all start making some brand new, bold, innovative and creative mistakes!

We began this series with an introduction called, “Ladies First” in which veteran church planter wife, Shari Thomas, addressed the tough topic, “What I Wish I Had Known About Church Planting” from the perspective of the church planter’s/pastor’s spouse. Last time we looked at Mistake #1 called, “Failing to Understand the Importance of How I Define Ministry Success.” This time we’ll take a brief look at Mistake #2 (these are in no intentional order) I wish someone had the wisdom and guts to tell me before I began church planting/pastoral ministry more than 30 years ago.

Mistake #2: Managing My Time And Not My Life

clock-headIn his classic article, “Tyranny of the Urgent”, Charles Hummel writes, “‘Have you ever wished for a thirty-hour day?’ Surely this extra time would relieve the tremendous pressure under which we live. Our lives leave a trail of unfinished tasks. Unanswered emails, unvisited friends, unread books and articles, etc., haunt quiet moments when we stop to evaluate. We desperately need relief.

But would a thirty-hour day really solve the problem? Wouldn’t we soon be just as frustrated as we are now with our twenty-four allotment? “A mother’s work is never done”, and neither is that of . . . any pastor. Nor will the passage of time help us catch up. Children grow in number and age to require more of our time. Greater experience and success in life and ministry normally bring more exacting assignments. So we find ourselves working more and enjoying it less.”

Our problem is often, unknowingly, allowing the urgent things in life to crowd out the truly important things. We all live in a constant tension between the urgent and the important.

The Gap Between the Compass and the Clock

There is an ongoing contrast between two things that continually influence our lives: the clock and the compass. Stephen Covey, in his book, First Things First, describes the clock as representing such things as our commitments, appointments,compassschedules, goals, activities; it’s how we use and manage our time. The compass represents our core life values, our conscience, our sense of personal vision and life mission; it’s what we believe is truly important in life and how we manage life.

The struggle comes when we experience a gap between the compass and the clock–when what we actually do with our time doesn’t contribute to what is truly most important in our life. In an effort to close the gap between the compass and the clock, many of us naturally turn to the field of “personal time management.” Traditional time management theory suggests that by doing things more efficiently, you’ll eventually gain control of your life and that increased control will bring personal peace and fulfillment.

Although there is much to gain from such things as planning, prioritizing and goal setting, the bottom line is that mere increased efficiency normally does not lessen the gap between the compass and the clock. In fact, I was a living example of someone who had learned how to get a lot more work done in less time, but what I was actually doing with my time was not at all what truly matters to me the most. This is why I wish someone had asked questions and said things to me like:

“How many pastors on their deathbed wish they had spent more time at the church?”

“The worst enemy of the best is often the good.”

The Answer is Not Learning to Get More Done in Less Time

The gap between what is deeply important to you (your compass) and the way you spend your time (your clock) cannot be closedTime_Management_Techniquesby simply learning to do more things more efficiently. The answer is not found in learning to get more things done in less time. In fact, increasing your time management efficiency can actually make things worse! What is needed is a new way of thinking—learning how to manage your life and not just your time, and learning how to shift your focus away from things that are urgent to the things that are trulyimportant.

Often, unless we take intentional, proactive steps to fight against it, we’ll inevitably become slaves to the “tyranny of the urgent”.  It’s been said that, “Anything less than a conscious commitment to the important is an unconscious commitment to the unimportant.”

In Isaiah 30:15 we read, “For thus the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, has said, ‘In repentance and rest you shall be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength.’” At the root of our frantic propensity to overwork is the sin of pride—an exalted sense of our importance to the Kingdom of God. We secretly and arrogantly think things like: “If I dare to stop, the Kingdom of God just might not make it and my ministry would surely self-destruct!”

Some of us need to show our faith in God not by working harder but by working less!

Some of us have been hitting it too hard for too long, and we desperately need extended time to rest. For some it might be 6 months for others it might be 6 weeks, or maybe 6 days. For some of us the most spiritual thing we could do now is to go home and go to bed and sleep!

A seasoned missionary in Peru came up to me at a conference once to tell me that in all his years in the ministry, he has learned that there are two types of missionaries in Peru—those who take siestas (naps) every day and those who leave the field. He said, “If you don’t learn to take your siesta on your first term, you normally will not be back for your second term.”

Not Just Starting Well . . . But Finishing Well

It’s one thing to start ministry well. It’s another to finish well. We must remember (and keep reminding each other) that the ministry is not a sprint, but it’s a cross-country event. So we must pace ourselves. We must build into our lives a Sabbath Rhythm of work and rest, work and rest—daily, weekly, quarterly, yearly.

The Scriptures tell us, “When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he instructed his disciples to cross to the other side of the lake” (Matt 8:18). Jesus knew when it was time for him and his followers to pull away from the pressing demands of ministry. My prayer for you and for me is that we will too, before it’s too late.

Steve Childers is the President & CEO of Global Church Advancement, an inter-denominational ministry that provides Steve-Childers-Bio-Photochurch planting training, consultations, and resources for church planters, pastors and missionaries throughout the world. Steve has trained Christian leaders from more than 50 countries (curriculum in five major global languages) representing over 200 denominations and mission agencies. Steve is also an author, Professor of Practical Theology (since 1995) and the Director of the Doctoral program atReformed Theological Seminary, in Orlando, Florida, where he teaches church planting, missions, evangelism and spiritual formation.

To learn more about GCA:

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Research Findings on Church Planting Wives: 6 Primary Sources, 8 Secondary Sources

Sunday, September 13th, 2009

UnhappyWoman2

The following factors provided the greatest sources of satisfaction or stress for church planting wives. These findings are taken from a research study conducted in North American among PCA church planting spouses of various ethnicities in both urban and suburban settings. This research was conducted by Parakaleo—a gospel-centered ministry that is highly recommended by GCA and represented at all North American GCA training events. Parakaleo exists to strengthen the gospel spreading impact of church planting
by coming alongside church planting movements and church planting couples.
Through coaching, connecting, caring, and celebrating they facilitate training,
encouragement and care of church planters and their spouses. For more information contact Parakaleo staff Shari Thomas, shari@parakaleo.us or Tami Resch, tami@parakaleo.us

Six Primary Sources

1. The Husband

The greatest source of satisfaction or stress for the church planter spouse was the person and work of the husband as he is involved/uninvolved with his wife. The lack of a support system not only increases loneliness and isolation for the wife, it puts added pressure on the marriage. If a clergy couple is relying primarily on each other for support, the marriage may function well most of the time, yet a narrow support system will become a problem when either one is not able to fulfill that role (McMinn 2004).

“We have a strong marriage and I know my husband is committed to me. If I weren’t called to do this type of work, he would quit. We both have a profound respect that God has called us together as one flesh and He will not pull us in different directions. My husband practices the scripture of laying down his life for me as Christ laid down His life for the church. I can submit to that kind of husband.”

2. Support System

The major factor which restricts clergy spouses from experiencing the support they need is that their primary support system comes from their husbands-men who tend to be absent from the home evenings and weekends. The study also indicates that wives do not talk about their husband since this could jeopardize his career (McMinn, 2004).

“It would have been most helpful if I had connection with other church planting spouses early on.”

3. Sabbath Rest

“The highest levels of exhaustion were caused by overextending ourselves because of perceived expectations that we feared we were not meeting. Overall, we were not trusting the Lord.”

“We did not take regular days off or vacations. Nor did we know about keeping boundaries. So a lot has been learned and changed over the years.”

4. Reliance on Christ

“I attribute my spiritual and emotional health to daily repentance, and to understanding how great my sin is, to the ability to laugh, and balancing my heart for the church with the fact that the church is not my life or my significance.”

“…it is God alone, salvation, prayer, his goodness, his very presence in the Spirit.”

“While I give head assent to relying on Christ, my life style shows my functional belief system which is in myself and human effort”.

5. Boundary Ambiguity

Ambiguity is endemic to ministry. To the clergy family, the system is not clear. All members of the family participate either directly or indirectly in the church. There is some role expectation of the congregation which must be fulfilled by the minister, his spouse, and even his children. This level of ambiguity causes high levels of stress for clergy spouses (Lee, 1988).

a) Role Ambiguity

“My greatest challenge has been how the ambiguous role of the cp spouse would affect me. The struggle of knowing church planting was my passion, being trained in ministry, and yet not knowing how to interface this without having a defined position was difficult. I often functionally operated as an assistant minister yet without title, pay, or decision making power.”

b) Emotional Ambiguity

“How much should my husband tell me? I realize I am his primary support, but it’s hard to love people well when I know how they have hurt him.”

c) Physical Ambiguity

The constant unknowns of facility and where we will be located coupled with the constant unknowns of who will stay and who will leave the church plant has been my biggest challenge.”

6. Physical health

Having balanced or unbalanced health

60% of church planting spouses reported leading more than one major ministry in the church plant or community along with being involved in 2-3 other ministries. It is no surprise they report exhaustion and often burn out in ministry.

Eight Secondary Sources

1. Changed lives

“Walking with people in their journey and seeing their lives changed because of the existence of our church is incredibly exciting.”

“Transformed lives, mine and others, have been the greatest source of satisfaction.”

2. Commitment and sense of call to church planting

“What is our major calling if we have other passions? How do we balance this with the demands church planting places on us?”

“I feel just as called to church planting as my husband. We are both in this together.”

3. Family Time

“My husband keeps his day off and is intentional about building a relationship with our boys. We work hard to build a family focus, identity, and history.”

“I don’t show the kids my unhappiness with their dads lack of participating in our family life. I feel like he spiritually takes care of the church and I take care of the family.”

4. Raising kids

“I really suffer here…often my husband is not a part of what we do as a family. When the church is struggling, the less my husband does for and with the family and the more he wants me to focus on helping him with the ministry.”

“He helps us apply the word to our lives as we go…in devotional time, in the car, around the table.”

5. Church growth

“Having come from a large church it has been discouraging to see the slow growth.”

6. Expectations- from/of self and others

“I didn’t realize how high my expectations were of others. It took me time to realize not everyone has the same calling I have but also that some may not be passionate about seeing others come to know Christ.”

“I have been disappointed with the lack of responsibility and loyalty some people have”.

7. Finances

“Church planting is like starting a business only after the hard work we don’t get the financial payback. It’s hard to give our blood, sweat, and tears to this type of work and not have some sort of financial outcome that we can then pass on to our kids.”

8. Use of gifts and abilities

“I thought I would have an opportunity to use my gifts but with the exhaustion my husband experiences, the needs of our kids, and without having other leaders, most of my time is spent in areas the church needs but not where I’m passionate.”


head_shari_drinkingShari Thomas (GCA Blogger) has been involved with her husband, John, in church planting for over 25 years both in North America and abroad. Shari serves on Mission to North America’s church planting staff as the Director of Parakaleo, a ministry primarily to church planting spouses. Shari and/or Tami Resch (also on staff with Parakaleo) lead the Women’s Forum (6 Sessions) at the North America GCA Conferences & Seminars. John is the director of global training for the Redeemer Church Planting Center in Manhattan, NYC. They have 3 children who amazingly still claim them as parents. They love sailing, only do legal drugs, and are known coffee snobs.


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Planter Spouse Looks Back: What I Wish I’d Known About Church Planting! by Shari Thomas*

Saturday, August 22nd, 2009

Shari-Thomas-Photo

Given at the Global Church Advancement North America Conference

I wish someone would have told us (Shari and her husband, John), that we both would need a support system greater than just each other…

…that we would need coaches and mentors, and we should plan at more than one stage in the journey on getting counseling….

…and when we didn’t have this support system it would be up to us to seek it out!

I would have greatly benefited knowing that we needed to come to a mutual understanding and commitment about what my involvement in the church plant would be…

…that pursuing and nurturing my gifts was as important as nurturing his.

And that we would often need to review this involvement through out the stages of church planting and seasons of life…

…that when the children were young, my husband and children would require and need most of my time.

I wish he’d known how much I would need his support in sticking to these commitments rather than both of us rescuing ministries and people when they floundered.

I longed for someone to gently come alongside me and remind me again and again that what my husband needs from me most is love and respect. 



He can find coaches, teachers, nags and critics in countless places. He already has one mother. And when it’s late at night and we are falling into bed that this is not the time or place to hear one more idea on how to make the church successful! 



But at the same time I also wished he’d known how very important it was for the two of us to have our weekly “staff” times to talk about how the church and family life intersected.

I was a part of the church planting team and needed to know about the plant, give my input and have a place on the team. I wish we had spoken more openly about this to our staff as they too needed to work through their understanding of my role on the church planting team.

If I had known that my heart as well as our kids would be hurt, angry, and almost torn in two by this ministry we might not have planted a church. 



….but we also may never have learned the delight and satisfaction of pointing each other to Jesus, to the hope that only the gospel brings, and the deep joy of leading others to this hope.

…if we hadn’t planted a church I don’t know if we would ever have known the joy of watching the people we had led to Christ then turn and point our hearts to Jesus during our dark hours.

We would have benefited from being told that the question “should we stay in this church?” will be one that will haunt us through out our ministry lives. 

I was not prepared for him rolling over in bed doubting his call.

I didn’t know we would question if God had brought us here…that when my husband’s passion and energy for the church plant was waxing, mine might be waning and vice versa. It would have been helpful to know this was normal.

I am thankful that someone told us we would have to work harder for a marriage where there is spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy than we would have to work at planting the church…that this would involve sacrifice on both of our parts, and it would be well worth it. 



…that this would mean being honest about the damage we both do to one another and then seeking reconciliation to whatever point was needed for the sake of the other.

…that repentance involved not a simple “I’m sorry” but asking the other person to tell how we had harmed them and to listen without defending .

That it would mean doing this over and over in our marriage…that it would mean being willing to give up church planting, even leaving ministry for the sake of loving the other person.

I am glad my husband learned early on that church planting gave him great freedom to creatively mold his schedule to fit the needs of both his family and the church. 


I am grateful he takes time from church ministry to pour into the lives of our kids: working on school projects, creating feasts in the kitchen, taking vacations, catching the latest blockbuster, filling their lives with music, asking them the tough questions, drawing out their hearts, repenting openly before them…

…I love watching their eyes fill with pride when they introduce their friends to their dad. Nothing draws my heart to him more than that he loves our children so well. 



And at the same time when both he and I love our kids poorly, I really wish I had known that the Christian life and Church planting was not about working so hard to get it right, be right, and do right.

That it was not my job to perfect myself. That even learning the gospel was not another tool to add to my arsenal of how to live a better life. 

But it was church planting that finally brought me to the realization that I can’t change myself.

That it’s not about what others say about me. That Jesus has already said, “It is finished.”. That God’s verdict spoken over me comes before any of my performance, before I ever started on this journey of church planting…he delights in me already! 



If I had known this, I would have enjoyed life so much more. But the journey isn’t finished and I’m planning on joining the party more these days.

But I am most grateful that my husband keeps learning that no one can pursue, strongly lead and cherish me the way he can. 



…that when I’m withdrawn and discouraged, his gentle wooing speaks volumes

…when I’m masking deep hurt with anger, his strong, consistent pursuit melts me like nothing else 



…when darkness has masked Jesus face, I have felt another strong hand leading me home 



…and when it’s all said and done, and we are at The Great Marriage Feast I will recognize the tastes and sounds and smells. The dance will be vaguely familiar…

…for hints of the realm unknown have drifted across the border land.

…and I have caught glimpses of what is yet to come for so many of you, my friends, my church family, my kids and my husband have shown me the way.

 *Shari Thomas has been involved with her husband, John, in church planting for over 25 years both in North America and abroad. Shari serves on Mission to North America’s church planting staff as the Director of Parakaleo, a ministry primarily to church planting spouses. Shari and/or Tami Resch (also on staff with Parakaleo) lead the Women’s Forum (6 Sessions) at the North America GCA Conferences & Seminars. John is the director of global training for the Redeemer Church Planting Center in Manhattan, NYC. They have 3 children who amazingly still claim them as parents. They love sailing, only do legal drugs, and are known coffee snobs.

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