The following factors provided the greatest sources of satisfaction or stress for church planting wives. These findings are taken from a research study conducted in North American among PCA church planting spouses of various ethnicities in both urban and suburban settings. This research was conducted by Parakaleo—a gospel-centered ministry that is highly recommended by GCA and represented at all North American GCA training events. Parakaleo exists to strengthen the gospel spreading impact of church planting by coming alongside church planting movements and church planting couples. Through coaching, connecting, caring, and celebrating they facilitate training, encouragement and care of church planters and their spouses. For more information contact Parakaleo staff Shari Thomas, shari@parakaleo.us or Tami Resch, tami@parakaleo.us
Six Primary Sources
1. The Husband
The greatest source of satisfaction or stress for the church planter spouse was the person and work of the husband as he is involved/uninvolved with his wife. The lack of a support system not only increases loneliness and isolation for the wife, it puts added pressure on the marriage. If a clergy couple is relying primarily on each other for support, the marriage may function well most of the time, yet a narrow support system will become a problem when either one is not able to fulfill that role (McMinn 2004).
“We have a strong marriage and I know my husband is committed to me. If I weren’t called to do this type of work, he would quit. We both have a profound respect that God has called us together as one flesh and He will not pull us in different directions. My husband practices the scripture of laying down his life for me as Christ laid down His life for the church. I can submit to that kind of husband.”
2. Support System
The major factor which restricts clergy spouses from experiencing the support they need is that their primary support system comes from their husbands-men who tend to be absent from the home evenings and weekends. The study also indicates that wives do not talk about their husband since this could jeopardize his career (McMinn, 2004).
“It would have been most helpful if I had connection with other church planting spouses early on.”
3. Sabbath Rest
“The highest levels of exhaustion were caused by overextending ourselves because of perceived expectations that we feared we were not meeting. Overall, we were not trusting the Lord.”
“We did not take regular days off or vacations. Nor did we know about keeping boundaries. So a lot has been learned and changed over the years.”
4. Reliance on Christ
“I attribute my spiritual and emotional health to daily repentance, and to understanding how great my sin is, to the ability to laugh, and balancing my heart for the church with the fact that the church is not my life or my significance.”
“…it is God alone, salvation, prayer, his goodness, his very presence in the Spirit.”
“While I give head assent to relying on Christ, my life style shows my functional belief system which is in myself and human effort”.
5. Boundary Ambiguity
Ambiguity is endemic to ministry. To the clergy family, the system is not clear. All members of the family participate either directly or indirectly in the church. There is some role expectation of the congregation which must be fulfilled by the minister, his spouse, and even his children. This level of ambiguity causes high levels of stress for clergy spouses (Lee, 1988).
a) Role Ambiguity
“My greatest challenge has been how the ambiguous role of the cp spouse would affect me. The struggle of knowing church planting was my passion, being trained in ministry, and yet not knowing how to interface this without having a defined position was difficult. I often functionally operated as an assistant minister yet without title, pay, or decision making power.”
b) Emotional Ambiguity
“How much should my husband tell me? I realize I am his primary support, but it’s hard to love people well when I know how they have hurt him.”
c) Physical Ambiguity
The constant unknowns of facility and where we will be located coupled with the constant unknowns of who will stay and who will leave the church plant has been my biggest challenge.”
6. Physical health
Having balanced or unbalanced health
60% of church planting spouses reported leading more than one major ministry in the church plant or community along with being involved in 2-3 other ministries. It is no surprise they report exhaustion and often burn out in ministry.
Eight Secondary Sources
1. Changed lives
“Walking with people in their journey and seeing their lives changed because of the existence of our church is incredibly exciting.”
“Transformed lives, mine and others, have been the greatest source of satisfaction.”
2. Commitment and sense of call to church planting
“What is our major calling if we have other passions? How do we balance this with the demands church planting places on us?”
“I feel just as called to church planting as my husband. We are both in this together.”
3. Family Time
“My husband keeps his day off and is intentional about building a relationship with our boys. We work hard to build a family focus, identity, and history.”
“I don’t show the kids my unhappiness with their dads lack of participating in our family life. I feel like he spiritually takes care of the church and I take care of the family.”
4. Raising kids
“I really suffer here…often my husband is not a part of what we do as a family. When the church is struggling, the less my husband does for and with the family and the more he wants me to focus on helping him with the ministry.”
“He helps us apply the word to our lives as we go…in devotional time, in the car, around the table.”
5. Church growth
“Having come from a large church it has been discouraging to see the slow growth.”
6. Expectations- from/of self and others
“I didn’t realize how high my expectations were of others. It took me time to realize not everyone has the same calling I have but also that some may not be passionate about seeing others come to know Christ.”
“I have been disappointed with the lack of responsibility and loyalty some people have”.
7. Finances
“Church planting is like starting a business only after the hard work we don’t get the financial payback. It’s hard to give our blood, sweat, and tears to this type of work and not have some sort of financial outcome that we can then pass on to our kids.”
8. Use of gifts and abilities
“I thought I would have an opportunity to use my gifts but with the exhaustion my husband experiences, the needs of our kids, and without having other leaders, most of my time is spent in areas the church needs but not where I’m passionate.”
Shari Thomas (GCA Blogger) has been involved with her husband, John, in church planting for over 25 years both in North America and abroad. Shari serves on Mission to North America’s church planting staff as the Director of Parakaleo, a ministry primarily to church planting spouses. Shari and/or Tami Resch (also on staff with Parakaleo) lead the Women’s Forum (6 Sessions) at the North America GCA Conferences & Seminars. John is the director of global training for the Redeemer Church Planting Center in Manhattan, NYC. They have 3 children who amazingly still claim them as parents. They love sailing, only do legal drugs, and are known coffee snobs.